celebrating small victories…and…growing where i am planted

So i know its been a long time since i updated, basically because i just haven’t felt there is much to update on the struggle with infertility, but last week i did have a small victory, a big step in the process of healing and moving onto what is next in life. as my last post stated, i have just determined to accept this, and to let go of it, to move onto what the Lord will do in our life now, and focus on where he has me at, that was my “new years resolution” so to speak, that i place my focus on where my life is now, and the things that the Lord has given us to do, to invest in the lives of the people he has placed around me in my life, no matter what comes to just bloom where i am, and as the saying goes, “to grow where i am planted”, even if i don’t like the view, even if i feel the grass isn’t green enough, or the rain is too much, even though i wish i was over there where those other “plants” are, but i am in the right spot, the spot where the main gardener has put me, and i will bloom, because he has put me in the best spot for what i need now, to grow, to be nourished, to bloom in his time, and to become a more beautiful flower, so the beginning of this year, i have decided to place my focus on these things, to seek out what things he has for me here, what lives i can touch, and encourage. I realized i finally reached a point where i want to be, where the Lord can use me more,  as last week when my doctor (i went in for a congestion, which turned out viral) asked me how i was, and if i was going to be ok if it never happened, if i never had a baby, i was able to say “yes” without any hesitation, without any tears, and than i thought as i got back in the car later, wow, i have not been able to do that for so long, for as long as i can remember, i have not been able to say yes to that question, of course i do still face days where i just want to curl up, where i want to mourn the “loss” some more, and its ok, but i need to move on, to reach for the sun again, to not sit there and mourn it, to not wallow in the mud, but reach up and continue to bloom, to continue to grow, even through the rain, when those moments come, i choose to not sit there and mourn, i choose to reach for the sun, and stay standing, even through the rain.  thanks for reading my “babbles” again, and if this encourages you somehow, than give the Glory to God, because he has brought this story to encourage people, have a blessed day.


the best Christian books for infertile women

I need to look some of these books up, some look very encouraging

Natasha Metzler

the best Christian books for infertile women #alist

**disclosure: affiliate links present. For more information, read my disclosure policy.

As with any list, every book here may not be helpful to you. Many were just what I needed, some I included because while they did little for me, others have shared how greatly they were impacted by them. You will quickly find that most are faith-based and there is a reason for that. As a Christian, I believe there is a unique way to look at trials in life– and I naturally turn to others who are also looking to God for answers.

This is not a list of books that offer ways to get pregnant, but rather, ways to deal with infertility from in the middle.

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Never Let Go By: David Crowder Band

“Never Let Go”
By: David Crowder Band

When clouds veil sun
And disaster comes
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rise
And hope takes flight
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

Ever faithful
Ever true
You I know
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go

When clouds brought rain
And disaster came
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rose
And hope had flown
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul
Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, my soul
Fills hope
Perfect love that never lets go

Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, what love, oh, what love
In joy and pain
In sun and rain
You’re the same
Oh, You never let go

thoughts….time to let it go…

so today was my surgery check up, everything is good and on track for healing wise, i asked her about the cyst and if it would have affected my hormone imbalance, if by chance it would solve my issues…or at least closer to solving….she said no, it really didn’t, just a cyst that was causing pain…..I was very disappointed, i just want an answer to why, why am i stuck on this track of unchanging no answer to why i can’t be “normal”, just is…..so on the way home, i couldn’t hold the tears in, they seemed to come and keep coming as I sat there driving an hr by myself, and just praying, i know now i want to just let it all go, to just take a break, to breathe, and ask the lord to fill my heart with peace to accept his plan, and his ways right now…..the pain came out, and i really faced reality, i have no answers, feel like nothing has changed, no progress made, just back to not knowing why…all the songs on the radio were about trusting in the Lord, funny how that works, even in the middle of the storm, even when we don’t get the answers we want, even when all hope seems to fade away, Jesus is holding us, he is holding me and his answer to me is be still and know that he is still God, even when my little hope i had going to the doctor today that i would have a good answer to why, that it would make everything ok now, he is still God, and for that I am thankful, I can have joy in the midst of pain, i can go on with life and give him Glory for all he has done through this, for the times it has brought me to my knees to look to him for strength, for the people he has reached through me, and to continue on, and allow the lord to touch my heart, to heal it to keep going, even into the unknown. Please pray for me to have wisdom, i am not giving up, i am simply giving it to God, which is the hardest thing to do, as all i see is giving up hope, but i know in my heart he is God, and i know he has a plan….a more amazing plan than i could ever dream of…..i will continue to post my thoughts here as they come….this post is full of randomness, but i hope it touches someone….

Sidewalk Prophets song “Help Me Find It” was one that came on today

“Help Me Find It”

I don’t know where to go from here
It all used to seem so clear
I’m finding I can’t do this on my own

I don’t know where to go from here
As long as I know that You are near
I’m done fighting
I’m finally letting go

I will trust in You
You’ve never failed before
I will trust in You

If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it
Can you help me find it

I’m giving You fear and You give faith
I giving you doubt
You give me grace
For every step I’ve never been alone

Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way
Even in the valley I will say
With every breath
You’ve never let me go

I will wait for You
You’ve never failed before
I will wait for You


I lift my empty hands (come fill me up again)
Have Your way my King (I give my all to You)
I lift my eyes again (Was blind but now I see)
‘Cause You are all I need

Some thoughts

“Great and marvelous are Your works,
Lord God Almighty!
Just and true are Your ways,
O King of the saints![a]
4 Who shall not fear You, O Lord, and glorify Your name?
For You alone are holy.
For all nations shall come and worship before You,
For Your judgments have been manifested.” Revelation 15:3-4

As I sat here and read this today, i just got to thinking, how often do we truly realize that God’s way’s are great, in the midst of the storms of life, do we realize they are great? the things that become of the storms in our lives are what makes God’s ways great, my own storm, Infertility, i have struggled and fought against the Lord in, always asking why me, why not her, why is it me you have chosen to walk through this. I used to just wake up every day and ask why, to go through out the day fighting the tears, fighting the feelings of forgotteness, and although those days still come, I am starting to realize more and more each day that God’s ways, are so great, i have learned to rejoice, even in the midst of of the pain in my heart. The things he has tought me, and the people he has touched through this storm in my life, I cannot imagine not going through this now, i don’t wish it on anyone, but if they can be as blessed as i have been in the past few months (it took me 4 years to get there though!), just realizing that the Lord can work through something so dark, than he will give me strength to continue to walk the road he has for me. I am going to say, there are going to be days where i will be down and out, i might not be joyful, because i mess up, but i am thankful that on those days, there is a God who is still there walking beside me, and ready for me to look up, get up and take his hand to continue on. When I get my eyes off of myself, get my eyes off of my situtation, and stop having a pity party for me, it is than that i can rejoice, rejoicing does not mean that i don’t have pain anymore, rejoicing does not mean that its the end of my struggle, does not mean i will never feel that way again, it means that even though i walk this, i am choosing to let the Lord work through it, to reach out to people, to not let my circumstance control my emotions, my life. I was reading a book by natasha metzler, she talked about our dreams need to die, our dreams do need to die, god’s ways and his dreams for our lives are much more fulfilling, as we will come to find out, when we surrender to him and allow him to shape our lives, to close the doors that need closing, to open the ones we need to walk through. Hope you all have a blessed day! 

surgery update

So on Thursday, two days ago i went in for surgery to remove a 4 something cm cyst off of my right ovary, turned out the cyst was actually on my Fallopian tube, going into surgery, i was anxious, hoping it was not cancerous, even though it was a tiny chance, i still had that worry in the back of my mind. anyway, since it turned out to be on my Fallopian tube right next to ovary. it was benign, they drained it, and its gone now, so that’s good! i am recovering well, the pain is very manageable, i go back in for a check up on the 28th, and will ask how the cyst being gone might have an effect on things, hoping it makes things go for the better….but will have to see!!

Another hurdle it seems….

Hey everyone, so here is an update on me, today I went back to my obgyn to get the cyst checked on my right ovary that they had found, it measured 3. something a month and a half ago, so they decided to pull me off of all meds, and give it some time to see if it would shrink on its own and go away hopefully. Well today was my check up to see how the cyst was, turns out it grew more in the last month, without any meds, so it is growing on its own, it now measures 4. something, my doc said they will need to remove it, so I am scheduled for surgery on August 7th to have the cyst removed, they are not concerned about Cancer, and said it should be fine, but they will look around to make sure everything else is ok. Of course a small part of me is concerned of the possibility of cancer, but it is all in the Lord’s hands, and I am hoping this will help to reset things so to speak. I have also decided that I am going to take a 6-12 month break on all the meds, and just see if it helps my body to reset, been praying about that, and I feel that is the route we need to go for now. Please be in prayer for me, that the surgery will go well, that i will have peace in what i see as just another obstacle, i feel its just more negative answers in the midst of this struggle with facing my infertility, i just want to cry as I write this, I don’t understand, and I probably never will, but I do know that God is in control, and that he is holding me, and knows his plan for my life is the best i could have. Thanks everyone, I will keep you updated. I will also have to take a whole week off of work, please be in prayer for the stress of that as well, of not being able to work, the Lord will work it all out!